well....seeing as i haven't written here for a LONG time...and feeling like i'm in a different phase of life than i was a few years ago when i started this blog, i'm going to move on.  i switched to blogspot, so you can find me at this link:

http://ponderingsfromanodland.blogspot.com/

and i do sincerely hope to write more often.  i've missed having this as a place to lay down my thoughts and process and i'm excited for a new beginning. 

adios xanga.

whew...its been awhile...but i think that's b/c life has felt normal (if it can ever really feel that way..)  but now that things feel messed up,  i need to process.... 

i love brasil.  but right now, apart from a providencial work of the Lord (which i currently have no hope in) our team is going to have to return to the US in the middle of september because our tourist visas expire then and can't be extended....

i hate this visa story...i hate that i started working on them 10 months ago. that i drove to chicago 6 times. that i prayed...asked my supporters to pray...all of TCX prayed...the Upper Midwest has been praying... and the Lord says no.

i know there are selfish reasons i want to stay. i love it here. i love it SO much. i've cried sooo many times in the past few days. i want to end well. i feel like that was taken from me in 2006 when we had to transition the ministry to a partnership pause...and i feel like its going to be taken from me again if we leave 5 wks into second semester (in sept). i know the Lord is the one who's in control of this ministry...i know that his name may receive the most glory if we're removed from the picture...  and its true, as matt told me the other night, our year isn't unfinished in the Lord's eyes...he knew our leave date long before we ever arrived and he will fully accomplish his purposes for us in this time.

but i just feel so hurt...so confused, frustrated. afraid to even ask the Lord to provide a way b/c i feel like i've risked and fully believed soooo many times in the past yr and in this one thing he always says no.

i have belief and connectedness as my top two strengths so i just keep trying to make connections and explain it away....and i can do a pretty good job. the Lord does work out all things for the good of those who love him, right? but then after all that effort to understand...i realize i still just feel really hurt. it was such a sweet gift from the Lord to get to come back here...and i have never doubted that its worth it. never. its worth it. i'll even say that all the visa blah blah blah was no sacrifice...worth the opportunity to serve here again. but it just hurts so bad. i can't even think about it w/o crying... pray for my heart. pray that i can trust the Lord...that i can believe his sovereignty.

last night on the bus i was with chrissy and talita (who i disciple)... i was explaining the situation to talita and how we need a miracle (yes, for the sake of simplicity i called it a miracle, not providence...how do you say providence in portugues anyway?) from God to be able to stay here. talita just looked at me and said, 'Kristin..i believe in a God who does miracles. he made the sun stop in the sky, remember? he can move mountains. i'm praying he will do this.'

i couldn't say anything... i'm glad talita and others have faith for me right now b/c i just don't... its in the Lord's hands.

i've been realizing my fears a lot this past week.  i think mostly because i realized i have three significant transitions happening in my life.  change is hard.  hard but good.  i'm SO grateful for all three....changing my status from 'single' to  'in a  relationship' (with an amazing guy :) )....moving from the states to brasil on march 18....job transition from full time support raising to full time campus ministry. 

it was all pretty terrifying until i told the Lord all the specifics.....and he showed me all the truths....whew.   the thing about being human is that i forget them...the truths, i mean.  i forget that they're true yesterday, today, tomorrow, in 10 years...the Lord is my Rock and Refuge and the one that never changes.  beautiful.

my sweet friend, leah, recently showed me this and i love it.  i love reading it out loud and imagining the Father speaking these words to my heart.  this is truth.
 
My dear one, you are are not in the grip of fear but in the hands of LOVE itself.
Fear of man, fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes, fear of looking foolish, of trying new things, fear of not being loved or being good enough.
Fear makes you tense, dark, and unable to see things the way I see them.
Let me touch your heart with my perfect, all-embracing love and so drive out all your fears.
This next season is about your journey into the heart of my love for you. I need you to turn your back on fear and face up to my love.
We are not battling fear; we are embracing the love that is always present in every circumstance.
For every fear that has gripped you, my love will overwhelm your heart as you learn to stand before me as much-loved child.
Beloved, it is my desire that you thoroughly enjoy this season of freedom from fear to fully embrace my love. You will know what it is to stand and live in the perfect love of the father's heart.
Enjoy this! I intend to enjoy you becoming more loving and more intimate with my grace. The breaking of fear will give you a whole new lease of life. I'm looking forward to love, every day with you.

Amen.

for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but LATER it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

(hebrews 12:11)

i'm learning how to be patient......

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